thinkers;

today was a random day.its now 2.20am. i woke up at 4.30am. i have had two cups of coffee today.

i have laughed and laughed and laughed today. minion talk, blangas, chickens, lizards, blangahs.

i need to sleep. yes?

i had a choice to share, and i did. its so nice to talk about things that have been pent up inside me for a very long time. i do talk a lot. a lot. i also don’t talk about certain things a lot. I really really talked about things that have been bothering me that I have told nobody. It is a risk to share so much. However, as I talked today, i realised how much passion i had. I can’t imagine doing all those things now, I have become tired.

I am fighting to keep the flame alive.

I’ve never gone for a support group before, but today over our conversations, i realised that if you are really there to support each other through the same struggles, it is a big blessing to share and just reflect together. I feel supported. Some people share more easily about others about ‘struggles’. I think its not so easy for me usually.

I usually like to have my own reality, my own mini wars with myself. I say what I want to say, and I get demoralised quickly. It isn’t good. It makes me tired.

Thank you for the awesome time just listening to me and for me listening to you all. The word is not happy. I don’t know what word it is that describes my feeling as I go to sleep. I feel… not alone. 

I cannot over-emphasise how good a feeling it is for me.

The journey shall not end ………

sorrow;

On Saturday, I woke up to recieve a horrendous sms.

I have seen him from the time I was so much younger. When I come back home, there is nothing to distract my mind. I think about his wife and two young children he’s left behind. His wife, an amazing lady. Someone I’ve known for so very long. I always smile to him, and say hallo occassionally. He has a soft spot for my elder brother and always talks to my brother. What will I say when I see them again? I will have nothing to say. I sit down and talk to my mother, because I am filled with so much sadness. I wish my elder brother was here with me.

Fate is unkind to them.

I wish them strength to pass through this immense pain, loss and despair.

memory;

most readers on my blogs are my friends for a rather long period of time. so i would doubt that my friends are new to my poor memory. the longer i know you, the more you would know about my memory – except the secondary school period – .

it is not just now, in my mid 20s, that I am worried about my  bad memory. I have the worst memory anyone could possibly have had back in school; but it was a good ice breaker, a way for people to remember me. one of my friends from my 1st 3 months MI days never fails to talk about my poor memory in the rare occassions we meet.

i remember how when i was in primary school, i asked my father to buy me a book on how to improve my memory. he did. but i hated the book, i hated the fact that i had to put in effort in remembering things in a list, associating pictures or sound and stuff like that. it made me feel retarded, that i had to spend effort remembering a LIST of things. but thats not what i needed. my issue wasn’t that i couldn’t memorise a list of names or random numbers (of course i couldn’t, i still can’t) but that i couldn’t remember who i spoke to yesterday, or what about.

so anyway life went on – i went to secondary school. i thought my memory improved. of course it didn’t. and then when i spent 3 months with people i never saw before and mostly never saw again, i realised how poor, beyond poor, my memory was. with people you don’t really know, it becomes how obvious certain ‘flaws’ are, for i was laughed at. laughed with, but laughed at as well.

and so i went to jc, to uni. always worried about my memory.

so just before i started my current life journey & stage, i was worried. would i remember what people said? would i remember this, that, this point, that issue? i made it a point to remember. i tried so hard. and now – i can remember. i can remember because when i sit down & speak, i know i must remember.

and so i thought – hey my memory has improved.

the problem was that, i had started to learn to memorise what i had rejected doing in primary school, memorising a list. trying hard to remember what i needed to remember.

i’ve always been one to forget the bills, walk to the kitchen and walk back because i don’t remember. but now its happening at a remarkably accelerated rate.

these days, when i bathe – i can’t remember if i had used shampoo. or after i washed the conditioner of. or whether i have washed it off. this happens almost everytime i wash my hair. which is every other day. there are times that i am in my room, and touch my hair, and realise my conditioner is still on it. there are other times that i shampoo my hair twice, and not use conditioner.

i can’t remember to take my antibiotics. i will tell myself, “ok i have to do this”. but i won’t. i will have a ear infection, but i will forget to put the ear drops. i will walk down the stairs, and walk up again because i can’t remember what i came down for. i will forget to pay my bills even when i get reminders and reminders. i recently forgot to do something important – even after my father reminded me a million times – i got a fine of $150 that would be waived if i completed it within a stipulated time, and i forgot. so of course, minus $150 isn’t good on the wallet.

and maybe, just maybe because every day seems like it is the same – i forget the days of the week, i forget what happens yesterday, and i find it difficult on a Monday when a friend asks me “so how did the weekend go!” .. I’ll be like. “hmm, sunday. yesterday, hmm.. i’m not sure. let me try and think what happened”. It takes a good 10 minutes to try to recollect the happenings during the weekend. I try to avoid answering that qn with a honest answer, and just go “it was okay” – to avoid cracking my head and getting a headache to recollect my activites.

maybe it is time to increase the gingko biloba. it seems that it is almost going to be too late.

question;

should i join SAC.

http://www.sac.org/index.asp

singapore adventurerer’s club.

i’ve spent months – almost a year, looking at their activities, but all i do is just look.

indecisive me… …

touched;

the unexpected words from the unexpected people;

the unexpected surprises.

secrets;

secrets. shadow. murky.

hidden. oblivious. obvious.

shame. sorrow. pain.  

secrets.

here i am, this is me;

sigh.

escapism;

all i do is to run.

happy

i am a very lucky person.

and i don’t think i’m ignorant of the fact. :)

purpose

some time back

i chatted with an old friend

and she said something about asking questions, and how .. something about what is the point of just asking.

sorry friend, if i remembered your point wrongly. i hope that was the gist of it.

but that got me to reflect. that how, at one point of time, i used to think that way. many many many years ago. i wonder how many years ago that was. maybe my age wasn’t even two digits. it probably wasn’t. however.

i used to think that way. i can appreciate why i thought that way. which is why i do not think, at any level, that it was strange and difficult to reason out that particular trail of thought. however, i now disagree with it. for if we have no questions, we have no urge to find answers, and there is no struggle.

of course, granted that not struggling is the easier way out. but i dont think taking the easy way out did anyone any good. this is what I think.

Until I find a answer to my meaning, or at least find a pathway that may lead me, I will never be happy. Everytime I think I can smile, I know that I smile now, to mask the tears and pain that will come in the future.

Why do we do what we do, What motivates us to do what we do, When will we know why and what we do, and where it will lead us to?

I am, at this point, feeling very heavy. I can literally feel this heavy lump in my chest.

And the best part, the answers that we get, are answers we have to convince ourselves to believe. It is a choice to believe people who claim they are enlightened or knowledgeable.

Perhaps the key is to find your own answer, your own way, through your own struggles.

escape.

one of these days i will run away.

sigh

sigh.
expectations.
sigh.
life.
sigh.
happiness.
sigh.
expectations.
sigh..

circle

there is no end, there is no beginning. there’s no way you can even tell for certain which is the middle – after all, the middle is defined only when you can find the beginning or the end.

there is no end, there is no beginning. there is only the journey. where we get ourselves lost in finding specific ways to mark out what we feel and believe is the start and the finish. we spend all our lives trying to do just that.

and so, as we travel in this ring, this circle, we lose our grip, we fall down, we then believe we go backwords – more towards the beginning. but the thing is that we never know,we never will know until its the end; too late when it is that stage.

since we never know, we should never act like we know, we should never tell people that we know it for them, but we should always get up and continue the journey.

knowing.

when what you know, is not what you want to know,
and when you know that what you know, is the thing you do not want to know,
it makes not knowing it for a fact, the best thing in the world,
and knowing it for a fact, the worst thing in the world.

mistakes

i’m so tired, i’ve been barely able to sleep.
mistakes are inevitable, but some mistakes are greater than others,
and for what i do, my mistakes are a whole lot bigger,
a whole lot more serious,
considering what i do,
the irony of it all.

myweekend.

I think I am very disturbed with my lack of motivation, and how empty my life seems to be.

I am greatly hoping that this is not directly related to the fact that I have this tendency to get bored in a flash. *snap*

My father this morning, came to my bed (I sleep on a double deck bed, on top, so people can just come and lean and talk to me while i’m lying down with a pillow under my back – oh yes! let me talk about that in a bit) and asked me “so what are your plans today?” I was .. “ërm, just think about my sad life”. and my father was visibly upset that I said that, and he asked me “why?”and I said, “just because I am.” Of course it stopped there, I got off the bed and my dad left the room and the conversation ended as it is.

But the point is that, I’ve always thought of life as sad and meaningless, but I think its become worse now. I miss my 3 months of doing nothing, waking up, and feeling motivated to do something because I had no obligations. I miss taking out my books, and reading. The issue is that I still have time, place, books to read, things to do, but I just feel like doing nothing. Especially when I want to do something, it sucks when I force myself to do nothing.

So anyway coming back to my back.

Sleep has been something I wish I could do better, there was this point of time that I got nightmares EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And perhaps last week, or maybe 3rd week of June, I decided to sleep with pillows under me and none for my head. Because nightmares + back aches? Terrible combination. So now, on the bright side, its been about 2 weeks w/o nightmares! I think sleeping with the pillows under my back worked, somehow or another. But the thing is now I am so dependent on the pillow. My back is always so sore. My knee is starting to ache, when I walk. Its like all the things that happened 3-4 years ago is coming back.

The only difference is that this time, I don’t know why.

lonely

bad night.. i hate nights like these because i will wake up just as … SIGH :(

nothing really matters in the end, really.

time.

and there comes a time when you sit down and shake your head and tell yourself the truth.and then everyone tells you that its a lie.and then you tell yourself its a lie.

and then nobody tells you anything anymore.

wth,really.

what the hell am i doing? really, really, really …. what the hell .. i’m just killing myself with my ridiculous thoughts and hopes. really. i’m happy because i’m living my own virtual reality in my little confused mind, pretending that my dreams are actually reality, smiling, but its not true. there’s no way to make it through without everything shattering.

maybe i’m doing the right thing :) maybe its better this way – after all, i’m smiling so much, even though nothing is what it seems to be.

once

i suddenly remembered that one day, when I was at a loss of words, I took out random cards from the shop we were at, and made out a message for you to read, and put them back after I saw the smile on your face. 

:)