theday;

it was monday, now its sunday.. where did the week go!?

oh wait. its saturday…. :/

HAHAHAH. WE SO NEED TO TALK. HAHAHA.

monday;

6.20am…. browsing the web. when. i should be doing a whole lot of productive things.

oh, this is funny:

so when i deactivate facebook, it means you wont know when i’m dead … HAHAHA….
i mean, which technologically savvy person really looks at the obituaries these days (i do). Hahahaha.

boredom;

possibly the most lonely, wasted, useless & boring day in a long while. farrrrrrrrk. stupid sunday. its only 610pm.

sunday;

The first thing any male figure who I see says to me is “eh, why you got shaving scar?” Damn sad. My little scar on my chin! Wooot. Obviously I’ve never shaved my face – i mean, i’ve never even tried……………. Hahahahah.

ANYWAY. I’m turning old.

“Singapore Cancer Society provides Pap smear screening at no consulation and procedural charges to women above 25 years” — yes, when they send me things like this, I think its time for me to realise how *gulp* old i’m getting. Before I know it, i’ll be in my 30s. Probably married and with a kid, no hair, diagnosed with extreme depression and very suicidal. What a unhappy future I see for myself.

BUT ANYWAY. Cancer is scary you know. I should go for the checkup …. hopefully before I turn 30. I honestly just will forget.

My body clock failed – today woke up at 530am woooooooot. But its really good to wake up early!

I actually love extremely early Sunday mornings – if you go for a walk/drive its like, super quiet and peaceful about 6am or so.

I’m going to like lock myself up in my room and do as much backlog – I’m serious! My aim today is 5.

I want to lose 5 kg.

pity;

the pain that is engulfing us so – cry, shout, kneel, pray.
search – hunt, search – endlessly.
scream. the hunt that goes through the mind

open my brain, eliminate the unnecessary.
all fused into one -
the fight, the struggle, the pain.

who, where, what – none.

existing for the sake of existing,
crying for the sake of crying.
feeling for the sake of feeling.

there is none, there is one, there is some.
there is only what we choose to believe
the dangerous choice.

maya – nothing but maya – the curse of life.

thought;

“Let the beauty you love be what you do. There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth.”
– Rumi

bappadi;

massively eventful day. one extremely unforgettable day.

friend N, i remembered to drink 3/4 cup of water when i came home :-)

so yesterday, the lady asked me “do you want your skin to peel”. i said “yes, i dont mind, anything, as long as it works”. lady says “ok, it will look like normal sunburn”. i go “okay”.

now, i realise, my skin has never been sunburnt. have you seen the colour of my skin!? genetically not able to be sunburnt.

i can’t believe i didn’t realise it until NOW.

and now, i hv this small tiny tiny pink patch at my chin. is this sunburn kind of symptom? it looks like a scar. and its gross cos my skin is dark and the below is pink. it looks like my skin is scraped off. its small. but i remember my friend went to , i dunno, thailand or something and it just looked like her skin was falling out.  like dead skin. i think thats how sunburnt skin looks like. not this. i think my skin is overburnt. HAHAHA.

fate;

1. cannot wait for chinese new year break
2. need to remember to schedule second chiro appointment
3. i am very sad that the last time i saw G akka was in god knows when, 1998 or 1999 when the whole family came to visit – after she got married she came with her husband to our place and woopah! i was not at home and by the time i rushed back she had gone to the airport (maybe 2003 i think) and now she’s coming with her 6 year old son (as time has flown) on 24th march 2012 as she’s on transit and………. im not in singapore at that time. talk about NO FATE this is called NO FATE FATE FATE FATE FATE.
4. i still believe in couchsurfing despite the current hoo-ha over the rapist (just for the record, stuff like did this happen in isolated incidents which i’m aware of even before couchsurfing became famous etc)
5. that being said, i believe that one must be a smart and thoughtful couchsurfer – must think first!
6. i want to go for a piano concert

sad;

wkend;

cant believe i have to wake up REALLLY early, much earlier than usual, this saturday and sunday,

oooooooh doo deee doooooooo

if my parents allow me, my next SOLO (not next trip) … will be… to… Athens, Greece!

if they don’t, then i will just be sad! haha.

read;

“All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality — the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape.”

- Arthur Christopher Benton

pain;

it all started with New Year – on 1st Jan I woke up – and decided to head out for a jog, only 2.4km.

never finished the 2.4km - the sharp pain was too bad and i ended up barely with 1.8km. I’ve been generally been full of pain for a while now. Every day – i’m like using medicated plaster like nobody’s business. Its amazing ESPECIALLY because I haven’t exercised. And I never used to get toe cramps until very very recently. Toe cramps are such an uncomfortable feeling – coupled with the rest of the constant pain.

Last week (or this week, I’ve forgotten), I bought myself a Patella Wrap (when I bought my badminton shoes) for $13. I’ve used knee guards/braces etc etc. But as the pain is very specific I think this may be better as I can adjust the pressure applied – normally its a slip-on.

Hopefully this works. I only bought one even though i have two knees; let’s see whether this works. I tried using it when I was walking around at home, the pressure is helpful.

Lets move up from the knee to the … hand! (My fingers ache as I type this. The finger which feels the most uncomfortable is my ring finger, right hand. My shoulders are sore and oh …. I’ve been feeling giddy)

We all know about my ganglion(s) that have been with me for about 13 years or more. Let me share with you what the internet says about it…

In the hand, a ganglion is a particular type of lump which shows up next to a joint or a tendon. Inside, it is like a balloon filled with a thick liquid. It may be soft or hard, may or may not be painful, and may get bigger or smaller on its own. It may also be referred to as a mucous cyst, a mucinous cyst or a synovial cyst.

Normally, joints and tendons are lubricated by a special liquid which is sealed in a small compartment. Sometimes, because of arthritis, an injury, or just for no good reason, a leak occurs from the compartment. Now, the liquid is thick, like honey, and if the hole is small, it can be like having a pinhole in a tube of toothpaste – when you squeeze the tube, even though the hole is small and the toothpaste is thick, it will leak out – and once it is out, there is no way it can go back in on its own. It works almost like a one way valve, and fills up a little balloon next to the area of the leak. When we use our hands for normal activities, our joints squeeze and create a tremendous pressure in the lubricating compartment – this can pump up a balloon leak with so much pressure that it feels as hard as a bone.

The lubricating liquid has special proteins dissolved in it which make it thick and also make it hard for the body to absorb it when it has leaked out. The body tries to absorb the liquid, but may only be able to draw out the water, making it even more thick. Usually, by the time the lump is big enough to see, the liquid has gotten to be as thick as jelly.

While ganglia can follow local trauma to the tendon or  joint, they usually form for unknown reasons.  Occasionally, ganglia  are early signs of arthritis that will become more obvious in the future. Painful cysts may be painful because of underlying problems other than a simple cyst.  Although uncommon, pain associated with a ganglion may be due to underlying arthritis, bone tumor, ligament injury or fracture.

I have seen various people from age 10ish till about 19 - due to of course my parents great concern at always being in unecessary pain at a ridiculously young age. In a chronological order (based on my fading memory) and excluding GPs : Chinese sports physician, Mt. A’s orthopaedic surgeon, Hindu horoscope reader, malay urut aunty, another Chinese shoulder expert, priests in temples …  from the point of 10 years till about 19. From 19 till now, I have been more jaded and have seen only a TCM last year – occassionally a GP to get painkillers and I tried massage. Next week - I am going to try yet another form of treatment, something that I can afford now as opposed to >2 years ago when I survived mainly on my parents money: CHIROPRACTIC.

I decided to ask my mother, about my horoscope when I was born. She said that when i was 30 days old, it was foretold I’d have “bone sickness” (directly translated from Tamil).

Karma.

memory;

1. memory sucks since the history of time

2. today i was thinking so much in the shower at 630am that after a while, i didn’t remember whether i had put conditioner on my hair

3. so i put it on again, but then i remember washing it off

4. i’m not sure it stayed on my hair more than 40 seconds each time

5. proof of how i super cannot ‘multi-think’ about important issues especially when i’m doing other tasks, the latter gets lost in the motion

6. it is also because of my memory that i say yes to certain things that I am capable of doing due to my personality but in true fact i may not – because my memory which cannot remember would go “is it something I could have done? Yes it is” hence “yeah, you’re right, i probably did” reply comes about. its not the first time, its a gazillion-th time.

7. my eyesight is failing me.

8. i have had poor eyesight for ever since primary 1 which was like early 90s (hohoho) but it is still failing me.

9. i should stop skipping lunch randomly.

10. today is friday!

new year’s eve;

so i decided to read my 31/12 entries since 2004. which, as i realised after reading archives, is something i seldom do.

2004 – short simple recap of the year (2004 dec was when i resumed blogging after deleting my first blog)

2005 – longest ‘end of year entry’ in the years of blogging. about the Apocalypse, end of the world, belief in evil.

2006 – no entry

2007 – quick recap of the year, includes events such as the fact that i went to a movie for the first time with my sec school friends and thats when i first starting meet ups with online-ers. and that it was an awful year.

2008 – no entry

2009 – no entry

2010 - no entry

2011:

every year i try to sleep before midnight so that i can skip all the hoo-haas of the new year. last year was an exception, the first time i went to a friend’s place to countdown for the year 2011. There is this quote “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” It makes me laugh because I try to do neither.

dang;

1. seeing a dentist (or dental therapist, as I did) is scary to the max. too much blood.

2.co-workers shouldn’t date. its just …… uncomfortable.

3. i spent some time this morning deleting some people from my facebook list. its a wonderful feeling.

4. its 1 minute to 31/12/2011 – to new year’s eve.

5. i bumped into my favouritest lecturer from NUS today at Holland V :-) even though it was mighty awkward and i really didn’t know what to say because she was sitting with her husband and two others and i just felt awkward and didn’t even notice she was pregnant until she pointed it out, ooops.

6. i must learn to cook – and i must spend time with my grandmother.

7. spent money on highlights that can’t be seen.

8. just wants to be left alone.

9. shortlisted: nokia vs htc vs blackberry

10. bad dinner conversation situated all around my marriage and what i see in a guy. this conversation with the brothers included is not comfortable at all. the picture of my ‘wishlist for a guy’ will hopefully be uploaded and you can see it (my friend’s camera). not really wishlist, but random facts that my friend was taking down – because she’s an awesome person & my mother has asked her to look around for guys for me .. (thats not why she rocks – but she’s like my elder sister i never had). i had to give in because i was like cornered. and lectured…………

11. i do contemplate about having children.

28/12;

For the past three days, its a bit ’HMM’ to see my site stats go up. On average I get 10 views a day, which is a normal. Sometimes 15. My friends and random stalkeers. So for the past three days its jumped up to average of 55. I’m not sure how this is happening. But that is not important – just something that makes me go “eh?”

today it cost me about $17 from bugis to home. Comfort Taxi, boarded at about 8pm I think? taxi uncle and i had nice chat about life. he was telling me about how 2011 is a bad year and countries were suffering from disasters and how Singaporeans don’t really know what disasters are, what happens if we get hurricane we’d all die but THE point is that he said in all his 52 years the only disaster is the Hotel New World disaster and then i said, yes, the one in 1986. Then he was, wah! Girl you know? But you must have been so so young at that time, how you remember!

Then i was happy because he thought i’m young. Yey. Thats all.

(Oh and he said I go home very early after meeting friend for dinner why I never stay out till late, only 8pm! But it is very good to go home early before my mother comes home so she never nag hohohoh)

But I remember because its the hotel collapsed on 15 March.

As it gets closer to trying to speak Spanish, I sit back and think about how beautiful the Tamil language is, and how I am very ungifted in the art of speaking tongues.

I’m still sure that I’m very unsure of what I’m good at. Of course, I’m good at pretending to be good at stuff somehow.

Anyhow, last week – I met a friend who I last met in 2007 or 2008 for a quick dinner. And despite how ridiculously busy she is, she earns way more than me, she’s going to quit after just a few mths in the job, because (she earns wayy more) money isn’t important, she’s going to quit and do something she likes. And despite how busy she is, she has time to read her book. I am happy that she has made her choice.

In the midst of chaos and turmoil, I am just a blur in the motion of the earth’s revolutions. I am unable to even pick up and read a book. This is unacceptable in the laws of My Life & Sanity.

I HAVE NOT EATEN CHILLI CRAB IN FOREVER. IWANTTOEATCHILLICRAB.

Merry X’mas;

horoscope;

i am a pisces. i cannot be trusted.

x’mas

even though i don’t think he misses me even 1/3 as much as i miss him .. the best x’mas present I could get is my brother coming back home!

can’t wait till the 26th!

tongue;

sigh.change needed! i can think, but think late..whats the point… spilt milk is forever spilt milk, broken glass will never be mended… i am a fool and i speak too much, too fast, too quickly…

Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.  ~Author Unknown